It’s caused by feminists. Since Rush didn’t find a medical term for the worldwide epidemic of shrinking manhood, I will create one. DUD (Dwindling Unit Disorder).
But despite the panic, DUD is not a new phenomenon.
Many years ago I helped in the medical care of a victim of DUD. I was assisting a gentleman I’ll call Kidney Guy, because he was circling the drain for dialysis. He was the type of person described in medical notes as ‘not a reliable historian’. His kidney function tests sucked and I actually thought he was starting to smell like ammonia. With difficulty I persuaded him to go to the ER, and stayed with him for about an hour, keeping him company and telling his nurses about his condition. Finally I had to leave. Kidney Guy seemed okay and the doctors would take it from there.
This was a Friday (it always is) and when I saw him Monday he was no worse, but no better. It seems that when the ER doctor got to his stretcher, he asked Kidney Guy why he was there. “I can’t find my penis,” Kidney Guy answered. This, in his mind, was the real emergency.
I don’t know what the doctor told him, but maybe he was able to reassure Kidney Guy that he didn’t have DUD. Kidney Guy’s waist was twice as big as his inseam, which would naturally make other things appear smaller. He had noticed a gradual change in the geography of his somatic map, and confided in one of the helping professionals he dealt with. “I don’t want to see his entertainment center”, she said to me.
Rush Limbaugh may be a fellow sufferer of this syndrome, which is sometimes called obesity-related pseudo-DUD, but more commonly Wienie Under Skinfold Syndrome (WUSS). Mr. Limbaugh may be worried that he could be a DUD, but more likely he is a WUSS.
Rush spends a lot of time worrying about things down there, perhaps because he is a survivor of pilonidal cyst. He may be scarred for life– not physically, because no one would be looking there, but psychically. If I were Doctor Phil I would psychoanalyze him. Since I’m not a psychologist I will limit myself to reassuring the public that most cases of DUD are a false alarm, caused by Expanding Waistline (EW).